They say that your sense of worth isn't real if it relies on things that can be taken from you. Last year, I noticed that I was starting to rely upon material objects for internal gratification. Accumulating personal items like expensive bags, shoes and clothes somehow became its own form of obscure pleasure until I decided to stop this dependence all together and I took a spiritual leave from things.
Your focus shifts when you are no longer a material-obsessed individual. You start to look at people differently. I remember admiring those with flashy cars and designer bags until I took some time to reflect on what these items really meant to me. They are essentially worthless. Not in the monetary sense, but throughout my early twenties, I was so laser focused on doing as much as possible — travelling everywhere, falling in love with the soft tinge in a person's eyes, partying until the warm sunlight peaks through the clouds, I feel I did it all, and perhaps I did. I made a promise to myself at 21 that I would do everything I could to ensure that I wouldn't regret my twenties.
But when you're nearing 30, it's less about the after-hours parties and more about the team Zoom meetings in the afternoon. Your new rush is submitting a work task before its deadline — not going over the speed limit on the back of a boyfriend's motorcycle. I guess I could have been replacing the thrill of my early twenties with the black hole of materialism, hoping to fill the void of adrenaline-packed experiences with the thrill of opening an expensive package that had just arrived in the mail.
Though, let me tell you this. Materialism is a void of its own. Things are so redundant when you look at the bigger picture. If you're like me, you ponder your own mortality at least a few times a week. It's so liberating to know that life is ephemeral and we will all die. It's liberating because it catapults you into action, forcing you to soak up each moment with the utmost level of sincere gratitude that is humanly possible.
Most people are mortified by the possibility of their own death and thus, they would rather not even contemplate the role that entropy plays in their life. This is silly. You will die and this is the best reason you have for feeling alive.
Others are weighed down by their regrets. The girl they never asked out. The degree they were too lazy to complete. That language course they never committed themselves to. But I am nearing thirty, having enjoyed my twenties, and I feel excited about the stillness that is to come. The never-ending early nights, building up my pension, travelling to a city for its architectural history and not because it has a cool techno club. Aging is radically exciting.
"A man does not really begin to be alive until he has lost himself, until he has released the anxious grasp which he normally holds upon his life, his property, his reputation and position".
— Alan Watts
I have found myself feeling more vulnerable than ever during the last few years of my twenties. My value system has entirely shifted. While I may have drowned in the anxiety of putting myself out there for an individual whom I was unsure felt the same way, I now find myself openly, willingly and joyfully exercising bravery (in an almost automated manner). The courage is, in itself, the reward. I used to fear failure and still do, but now I can have a compassionate dialogue with myself and see to it that I am comforted following any feelings of hurt. Self-tyranny is an ugly, ugly monster that we invite over for dinner far too many times.
I promise that you are all you will ever need. I promise you that none of the *stuff* matters. Be of service to others, bring light into someone's life, alleviate another's suffering and watch how intoxicating it is when your heart is one with every heart on earth. I believe we are all born incredibly pure as completely blank white sheets of papers. We pick up traits from our environment and our shelves are stacked with experiences that have been accumulated like collectibles. Yet, your heart is never as free as when you have lost that rigid grip on your egoistic self, when you can be vulnerable with others, and yourself.
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